Deserving
by September Samstar
Summary: He won't ever admit it to her face, but sometimes, Ian wonders if he really deserves her.


Her scream cuts through my heart, and my fingers pop from how tightly she is holding me.

"I'm seeing a head, come on Wanda, you can do this," Doc says. She lets out a moan. I used to be excited for this kid-no, our kid. Now I just want this to be over. I can't stand her being in pain, especially knowing that I helped cause it.

She pushes hard again, her face screwed up; refusing to make another noise. When she settles back down, panting, I push her hair back from her face and begin to speak.

"It's almost over Wanda. You're doing great." She lets out a little whimper in pain, and there's another cut through my heart.

"Ian, it hurts." I stroke her hand gently and toy with her wedding band I found for her on a raid. It has a silver band with a single emerald stone in the center. Green always made me think of springtime; the renewal of life. So I figured green would be a perfect symbol of Wanda's new life with me.

It also helped that green is her favorite color.

"I know angel. I love you." She smiles while a tear streams down her cheek. Doc shared a significant glance with me. I bite my lip in response and focus my face on her hand. Wanda's body is weaker than Melanie's for sure, and it has made her labor more difficult than it could be. And the fact that we had used the last of the No Pain right before Wanda went into labor hasn't helped matters either.

"Come on Wanda, she's almost out," Doc says.

"It's a girl?" I choke out.

"Yes, push Wanda, push. Just a little bit more." Wanda gathers her self up and pushes, straining hard. My other hand goes to her shoulder as she lets out another that cry is quickly overshadowed by another. Our baby girl. Doc wraps her in a blanket and places her in Wanda's arms. She's crying for joy and relief now as she holds this little bundle of miracles in her arms. I place my finger on the child's hands and smile as she grabs my finger. Wanda kisses my forehead.

"Thank you." For what? I want to ask. I don't though, not to spoil the moment.

"What should we name her?" I ask instead. Wanda returns her gaze to the babe, a soft smile grazing her face.

"You pick."

"Me?" She looks at me, her smile widening.

"Yes you, unless you want Doc naming our child." I can't help but smirk at this.

"As great of a guy Doc is, I don't want him naming our child." We all laugh at the this, and Doc takes the baby back to draw blood and clean her up.

"I like Lauren. Lauren Olivia." I've always have that name in the back of my head, but I would have been happy with anything.

"Lauren Olivia O'Shea. I like it." I leaned down and kissed her on the lips. I started out gentle, but soon I began to pour out my fear into our kiss. Wanda looks at me questioningly.

"Ian, what's wrong?"

"Nothing..." I pause to long. She gives me a look that says spill it. I sigh. "You scared me." Wanda softly laughs and tangles her fingers through my hair.

"Ian, motherhood requires sacrifices. For souls, motherhood means death. For humans, painful labor. I'm glad though that I'm still here with you and Lauren." A sad smile crosses my face as I struggle to think of life without Wanda.

Because that is one of the saddest and scariest things I can think of.

* * *

After Wanda bathes and changes into some fresh clothes, we head out to the caves to show our daughter to everyone else, except for Jared and Melanie, who went on the risky raid to get No Pain for Wanda. I can only hope it's going well, even though it's too late to help. We don't stay long, and soon are walking back to caves with Wanda holding Lauren while I support them both. She'll never say it, but I can see how exhausted she is.

"Ian, they just wanted to hold her."

"Yeah, but what if they dropped her?"

"But what if they didn't?"

"Well, we avoided the risk by not letting any of the hold him."

"You're impossible." I kick the door open, careful not to jostle them. Carefully I guide Wanda on to our mattress and take Lauren from her. I hold her tightly, terrified I'll drop her. After shutting the door, I setting into one of the newest additions to our room, a rocking chair that's right next to a small crib.

"Get some rest Wanda. I'll take care of her for a little bit." A look of concern spreads across her features, but her eyes betray how ready she is to sleep. For a minute it looks like she is going to say something, but instead she closes her eyes.

"Wake me up if she's hungry."

"She just ate," I say, but Wanda doesn't respond. I wait a couple minutes, rhythmically rocking back and forth. Soon Lauren is asleep as well. Her small eyelids flutter slightly, occasionally revealing her blue eyes. Blue eyes like mine.

All that can be heard in the quiet squeak of the rocking chair.

_Squeak squeak. Squeak squeak. Squeak squeak. _

I can't stop looking at her. My daughter. Mine and Wanda's child.

Why would she ever want to have a child with me of all people?

"You're going to grow up to be a beautiful young woman. Just like your mother. You already have her hair." I tap her nose lightly."Although I don't know where that little nose came from. I hope it's not mine. Oh Lauren, you're going to have all the boys hitting on you. Heaven forbid you get with Jacob." She opens her eyes slightly before squirming my arms. "You remember him right? Jared and Melanie's kid. Jamie was watching him while they went on the raid." She wrinkles her nose. "C'mon, raids aren't that bad. You can probably get to go in with your mother, while I have to stay car. But don't worry, you'll see daddy again soon."

I pause, gently touching her cheek. "But, back to boys. None of them will be good enough for you, you know that right? And when one of them asks you out, or married, your dear old dad might not let them take you away. You're too good for them Lauren. Just like I will never be good enough for your mother.

"I hope you grow up to be more like her than me. Someone who would be willing to love someone unworthy like me." I pause and put my feet up on the footstool while closing my eyes; finally feeling the exhaustion that comes from staying up the whole night.

Five minutes, I tell myself sternly. Five minutes and then I have to put her in the crib.

Seconds later, I am defeated by sleep.

* * *

Wanda looked up at her husband once his breathing evened out. Carefully, cautiously, she eases herself up, still slightly in pain. She takes Lauren from her husband and places the child in the crib. Then she gently shakes him.

"Ian," he grumbles softly. "Ian, com to bed." Half-asleep, the man barely opens his eyelids as he starts to get up. Suddenly his eyes shoot wide awake.

"Lauren?"

"I put her in her crib. Come to bed sweetie." He gets up slowly and robotically and lays down; his wife following. Instantly his arms encircle her waist.

"I love you," he mumbles.

"I love you too," comes the reply. "And I don't know what I did to deserve you."

But he is to far gone to hear it.

* * *

**A/N: I read The Host and my favorite character was Ian. He is amazing, how much he loved and cared for and protected Wanda. One of the things that I think would haunt him would be how he tried to kill her. He hasn't forgiven himself because of it, and thus this story was born. And whoever played him in the movie was adorable, sometimes he would make the most perfect sad faces-the ones that make you want to reach through the screen and hug him.**

**sorry about that...I really like this book/movie/amazingness**


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